Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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