I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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