I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Sorry my hands just texted you
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I could fuck to npr.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
