all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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