My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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