Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
