i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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