I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
