well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
