I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
