you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
