Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
