Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
