just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
