even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Randomize
