It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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