The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
