and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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