Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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