she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
