Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
