Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
