alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
