i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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