apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
