Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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