Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
