WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
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