Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
