Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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