This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
