I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
