I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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