Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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