so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm really busy with my period
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