FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
