i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
