allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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