I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
