i wish there were pregnant emoticons
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
