I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Maybe he injected his testicle?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
