she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
