You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm at about main and main street
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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