So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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