Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
