I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
