My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
