i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
