can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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