Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
