I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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