Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You're a waste of cheezeits
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
