He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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